Scared Of Commitment
But ready to graduate from breakfast breads.
It’s impossible not to fall in love with the idea of sourdough, but the idea of having a starter is comparable to having a child. For those of us not ready to feed mouths beyond our own, we need to start slow – making our own loaf breads while getting our sourdough from friends, family and farm stands. We will take our time moving on from egg based breads to yeast, until we are ready to settle down with our perfect starter.
So, with that, let me introduce you to my new friend onion bread. It’s not regular bread, it’s onion bread. It’s really good.
An Open Letter
To the companies that have wronged me.
Dear Lay’s Chips,
Your “Do Us a Flavor” competition is an absolute farce. I spend months submitting the most revolutionary, thoughtful flavors with complex flavor profiles and memorable back stories just to be beat out by flavors revolving around bacon and cheese. Apologies for not realizing your contest was to find the most revolutionary flavor of 2008, I was actually thinking of what people want to eat in 2025.
It turns out I was ahead of my time, because in December 2024 I submitted the most mouth watering flavor: French Onion Soup. A buttery, oniony chip with a fine dusting of Gruyère. Apparently that flavor didn’t have what it takes to be a finalist, yet is being released in 2026 as a new flavor??? Where is my million dollar check?
This competition was an absolute waste of time as there was no standardized process. Some entries you’d get a confirmation email, some you don’t. When I called to ask if my flavors were actually being submitted or not, I was told there were no confirmation emails going out at all. So explain how I received some? I couldn’t even resubmit the ones with no emails because the rules said any duplicate entries disqualify you.
So, if you want my honest opinion, Lay’s, you were not reading these as they came through, you were not scoring as promised and you did not actually want interesting ideas. Now you just have a bank of millions of flavors they can pull from whenever without having to give credits to the actual good ideas.
Dear Mission Tortilla,
Do you have an employee who is purposely working against you to end processed food consumption once and for all?
As someone who has limited their processed food over the years, I thought tortillas were fine, especially considering they are literally beige. So you can only imagine my disgust when I found 4 inches of plastic baked INTO my tortilla.
I take this to corporate and what do you offer me, A COUPON. Why would I want any more of your contaminated tortillas? A refund sounds better.
But alas, a coupon is what I get – why did I settle for that? Because it’s either a refund from Publix or sending back my tortilla for “investigation” with a coupon as compensation. I made the noble decision to be a martyr and protect future generations, sacrificing my refund for justice.
I’m no fool though, in the back of my heart I know your team’s only intention is to placate me. The team sends me a fedex tracking number for my coupons yet you do not even have my address!
Thank you Mission Tortilla for making your mission clear… your mission not to be bothered by basic safety precautions.
This Month
By the numbers.
What’s Hot
And it’s not just this FL weather.
In:
Who to watch out for
Frank Sinatra: Start spreading the news, 2020s out, 1950s in
Laufey: Do we have a modern women Sinatra?
Carlos Zafron: I don’t know if I love the books or hate the books, all I know is I have to read every last one of them
Business Baddie
Vermont Nut Free Chocolate: Look it up, buy it. A great mission with delicious chocolate.
What to consume
Fiber: Don’t fall for the protein propaganda, you need fiber too
Project Hail Mary: I genuinely enjoyed every second of the movie
You need to try this
Rummikub: I could be incredibly late to this one
Movie theaters: bring your own pop corners
Ice Cream Shops: Sample all the flavors and buy a pint for home. You don’t actually have to eat it out of a cone in the wild
Out:
Beware
Barcelona: I’m well versed in the subject, and the main take away… super haunted
Condos: Rules, rules, and more rules they don’t tell you until you violate them
Avoid
Jimmy Fallon: He had no business getting involved in survivor
Peaky Blinders Movie: There’s a reason nobody was talking about it once it came out
April Eats
Eat up.
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